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Thread: Jokes of the day

  1. #11

    Re: Clean Jokes of the day


  2. #12
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher and attorney that she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

    "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

    "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week, she said."

    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  3. #13
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    A limo driver, after getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

    "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?

    "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"

    "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

    "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

    The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it,

    accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

    "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

    The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

    "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

    "So bust him," said the Chief.

    "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

    The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

    Cop: "Bigger"

    Chief: "Governor?"

    Cop: "Bigger"

    Chief: "Senator?"

    Cop: "Bigger"

    "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

    Cop: "I think it's Jesus!"

    Chief: "What makes you think it's Jesus?"

    Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  4. #14
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    The Blonde Student

    A girl came skipping home FROM elementary school one day. "Mommy, Mommy,"

    she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only

    count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

    "Very good," said her mother.

    "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

    "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

    The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.

    "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet

    today, and all the other kids could only say it to D,

    but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!"

    "Very good," said her mother.

    "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

    "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

    The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.

    "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today,

    and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests,

    but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

    "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

    "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

    "No, Honey, it's because you're 25.

    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  5. #15

    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    HAHA wow ,i can;t stop coming here every 5 min to see what FunnyWheels puts up on here.. their so hilarious its not even fuunny ( but they are)
    Potatoes....mmmmm.

  6. #16
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

    The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kanhave one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kanbe expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

    By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kanbe dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

    If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  7. #17
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE..... ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S A TRUE STORY.

    ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

    HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

    BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

    MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

    HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

    OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY... STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

    ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

    MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

    IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

    HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.

    HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

    AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

    "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

    TRUE STORY.

    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  8. #18
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    Catholic Dog -

    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
    Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

    Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

    Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  9. #19
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    DONATION -

    Father O'Malley answers the phone.

    "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
    "It is"

    "This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
    "I can"

    "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
    "I do"

    "Is he a member of your congregation?"
    "He is"

    "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" "He will."
    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  10. #20
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    This is an old one!

    CONFESSION -

    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

    Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

    Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

    Man: "What sins?"

    Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

    Man: "I'm Jewish."

    Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

    Man: "I'm telling everybody."

    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

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