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Thread: Jokes of the day

  1. #21
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    SENILITY -

    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  2. #22
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    PEST CONTROL -

    A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

    "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious after seeing the rumpled bed and after a search of the bedroom, discovered the man in the closet.

    "Who are you?" he asked him.

    "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

    "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

    "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

    "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

    The man looked down at himself and said..."Those little bastards."
    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  3. #23
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    Subject: Last Rites

    A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He
    is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.

    "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. Minutes drag on but one steps out of the crowd.
    A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd
    to give this man his last rites?"

    Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years
    of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a
    Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on
    First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a
    lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

    The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to
    where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the
    prostate man and says in a solemn voice:

    "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72"
    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  4. #24
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    A husband of a young family just finished reading the book, 'Kit Cars and being The MAN OF THE HOUSE.' He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a Bondo stained dirty finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward...Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax...And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

    His wife replied, "The frigging funeral director would be my guess."

    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  5. #25
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    This was in the Washington Post... the title was "Best Comeback Line - Ever." The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. ( think that is the same place where the bug eyed run away bride was from) The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.

    "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

    Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over, picked out a pumpkin, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?"

    Patrol officer Brenda Taylor pulled over and approached him.

    "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

    "I just went up and said"... "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

    "He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?'"
    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  6. #26

    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    LMAO!! Omg you have to send more, make this the topic of the official clean jokes, no more from you other people ( sry if i hurt your feelings) only FunnyWheels can post these.. LOL! those are so great, please keep sending, i love reading them.
    Potatoes....mmmmm.

  7. #27
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    GOLF JOKE ~

    A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shoot, I missed."

    The good Sister told him to watch his language.

    On his next swing, he missed again. "Shoot, I missed."

    "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

    The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

    Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

    On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shoot, I missed."

    A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

    And from the sky comes a booming voice ....... "Shoot, I missed."



    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  8. #28
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See...

    Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  9. #29
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  10. #30
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day


    The wife of a kit car builder said to her man in the garage who would not come in for his dinner.

    Honey, “The proctologist called....they found your head.”
    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

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