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Thread: Jokes of the day

  1. #1
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Jokes of the day

    This was based on a true story October 21st 2005 regarding a 94 old man in St. Petersburg, Florida who hit and killed a person walking across the street and drove 13 miles to the Skyway Bridge with a dead body sticking through his front windshield into the passenger compartment.* The toll booth operator held him for the police to arrive.

    Must be Florida--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass
    surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and
    diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
    engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
    subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
    hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 94
    Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  2. #2
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
    doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
    I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I am 57 now so I have to be careful.
    I bent, twisted,gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
    But, by the time I got my work out clothes on, the class was over.

    Well time for a cigar and back to working on FunnyWheels III
    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  3. #3
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it, go to Starbucks.)

    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
    (O.M.G.!)

    A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig, but not like the ones I have dated in my younger days)

    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
    (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home. Maybe at work on your kit car.)

    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)

    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

    Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)

    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
    (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....................)

    A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people on this forum like that.)

    Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

    Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  4. #4
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

    "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.

    "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

    She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  5. #5

    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    ;D
    Professional 3D, web, graphic, architectural, interior, and CAM design at affoardable prices.<br />Any questions: voicemail/fax (323)281-0583<br />sales @ rt-network.com

  6. #6

    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    Keep sending some more--- I LIKE EM!
    Potatoes....mmmmm.

  7. #7
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

    She asks him why he is staring.

    He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

    She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

    1, you have to be single and

    2, you must be Catholic."

    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

    "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

    But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

    "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

    "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

    The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween party."

    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  8. #8

    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    HAHAHAA !! OMG I love the ending on that.. can't get over it... haha, i got to tell my friends and gf.. brb.. haha
    Potatoes....mmmmm.

  9. #9
    Moderator FunnyWheels's Avatar
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    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up
    with Father Rafferty. The Father said, "Top o' the morning' to ye! Aren't ye
    Mrs Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"

    She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be
    there any wee ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet Father."

    The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome Next week and I'll light a
    candle for ye and yer husband."

    Mrs. Donovan replied, "Oh, thank ye Father." They parted ways and some years later they met again.

    The Father asked, "Well now Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She
    replied, "Oh, very well Father."

    The Father asked,"And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh
    yes Father, three sets of twins and four singles, ten wee ones in all."

    The Father said, "Glory be! That's wonderful! And how is yer loving
    husband doing?"

    Mrs. Donovan replied, "E's gone. I sent him to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.

    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  10. #10

    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    Wow were do you get these? they get better and better!
    Potatoes....mmmmm.

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