Mad Mechanics - Custom and Kit Cars Forum

This was based on a true story October 21st 2005 regarding a 94 old man in St. Petersburg, Florida who hit and killed a person walking across the street and drove 13 miles to the Skyway Bridge with a dead body sticking through his front windshield into the passenger compartment.  The toll booth operator held him for the police to arrive.

Must be Florida--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass
surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and
diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 94
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I am 57 now so I have to be careful.
I bent, twisted,gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my work out clothes on, the class was over.

Well time for a cigar and back to working on FunnyWheels III

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it, go to Starbucks.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig, but not like the ones I have dated in my younger days)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home. Maybe at work on your kit car.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....................)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people on this forum like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.

"Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

 ;D

Keep sending some more--- I LIKE EM!

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween party."

HAHAHAA !! OMG I love the ending on that.. can't get over it... haha,  i got to tell my friends and gf.. brb.. haha

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up
 with  Father Rafferty.  The Father said, "Top o' the morning' to ye!  Aren't ye
 Mrs  Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."  The Father asked, "And be
there any  wee ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome Next week and I'll light a
candle for ye and yer husband."

Mrs. Donovan replied, "Oh, thank ye Father."  They parted ways and some years later they met again.

The Father asked, "Well now Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"  She
replied, "Oh, very well Father."

The Father asked,"And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"  She replied,  "Oh
 yes Father, three sets of twins and four singles, ten wee ones in all."

The Father said, "Glory be!  That's wonderful!  And how is yer loving
husband doing?"

Mrs. Donovan replied, "E's gone. I sent him to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.

Wow were do you get these? they get better and better!

http://www.mrdudeman.com/media/ferrari_fire.wmv

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher and attorney that she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week, she said."

A limo driver, after getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it,

  accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.  "Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger"

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger"

Chief: "Senator?"

Cop: "Bigger"

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's Jesus!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's Jesus?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

The Blonde Student

 A girl came skipping home FROM elementary school one day. "Mommy, Mommy,"

she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only

count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.

"Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet

today, and all the other kids could only say it to D,

but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!"
 
"Very good," said her mother.

 "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

 The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today,

and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests,

but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25.

HAHA wow ,i can;t stop coming here every 5 min to see what FunnyWheels puts up on here.. their so hilarious its not even fuunny ( but they are)

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

  As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kanhave one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kanbe expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kanbe dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE..... ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S A TRUE STORY.

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY... STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

TRUE STORY.
 

Catholic Dog -

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

DONATION -

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?" 
"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" 
"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?" 
"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"  "He will."

This is an old one!

CONFESSION -

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

SENILITY -

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

PEST CONTROL -

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious after seeing the rumpled bed and after a search of the bedroom, discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
 
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said..."Those little bastards."

Subject: Last Rites

A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He
is  lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. Minutes drag on but one steps out of the crowd.
A policeman checks  the crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't  there a priest in this crowd
to give this man his last  rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old  Jewish man of at least 80 years
of age. "Mr.  Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a
Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic  Church on
First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing  their services. I can recall a
lot of it, and maybe I  can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman  agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to
where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man kneels down,  leans over the
prostate man and says in a solemn voice:

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72"

A husband of a young family just finished reading the book, 'Kit Cars and being The MAN OF THE  HOUSE.' He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a Bondo stained dirty finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want   you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished  eating  my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward...Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax...And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The frigging funeral director would be my guess."

This was in the Washington Post... the title was "Best Comeback Line - Ever." The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. ( think that is the same place where the bug eyed run away bride was from) The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.

"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over, picked out a pumpkin, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?"

Patrol officer Brenda Taylor pulled over and approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

"I just went up and said"... "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?'"

LMAO!! Omg you have to send more, make this the topic of the official clean jokes, no more from you other people ( sry if i hurt your feelings) only FunnyWheels can post these.. LOL! those are so great, please keep sending, i love reading them.

GOLF JOKE ~

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shoot, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shoot, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shoot, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice ....... "Shoot, I missed."


                         

Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See...

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The wife of a kit car builder said to her man in the garage who would not come in for his dinner.

Honey, “The proctologist called....they found your head.”

THE BLIND WAL-MART CLERK

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.  She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.  A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line.  It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.  I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.  At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted.  Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am.  The rod and reel are $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

HAHAAHA!, Lol i like the blind clerk at walmart, cracks me up so much.

 
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.

He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little
sports-like car so she could zip through traffic
around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old
truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out
of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0
to 200 in just a few seconds.

Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so
surprise me!"

He did just that.







For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom
scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
 
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
 
 "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?

"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?"
 

Late last Saturday night a young chap was walking home from a club.  It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.  Most of the streetlights in the area were not working, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.  Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

 BUMP........

 BUMP........

 BUMP........


Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.


 BUMP........

 BUMP........

 BUMP........


He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.


 BUMP........

 BUMP........

 BUMP........


He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........


 BUMP........BUMP......

 BUMP........BUMP..

 BUMP........BUMP......


The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......


 BUMP........BUMP.....BUMP...

 BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

 BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...




He started to sprint, but so did the coffin.......

 BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

 BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

 BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
 
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.
 
 Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....


 BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


 BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


 BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


 BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........


 BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

 BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

 BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...


The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.


 BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

 BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.  SCREECH...
 BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Ivory Soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came........

 BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Arid Extra Dry deodorant and threw it .....still it came......


 BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.   SCREECH...


He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......


 BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


 He grabbed some Benedryl cough mixture and threw it........
 
*
*
*
*
*
The coffin stopped.

Church Bulletin Bloopers

They're Back! Church Bulletin Bloopers: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

* * * * * * * * *

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

* * * * * * * * * * *

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

* * * * * * * * * *

The sermon this morning:

"Jesus Walks on the Water."

The sermon tonight:

"Searching for Jesus."

* * * * * * * * * *

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

* * * * * * * * * *

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

* * * * * * * * * *

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. 

* * * * * * * * * *

Don't let worry kill you off ...... let the Church help.

* * * * * * * * * *

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* * * * * * * * * *

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* * * * * * * * * *

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

* * * * * * * * * *

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping. She has requested tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

* * * * * * * * * *

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church and so ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* * * * * * * * * *

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

* * * * * * * * *

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* * * * * * * * * *

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* * * * * * * * * *

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* * * * * * * * * *

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

* * * * * * * * * *

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and
heave a healthy lunch.

* * * * * * * * * *

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.

* * * * * * * * * *

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.

* * * * * * * * * *

The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* * * * * * * * * *

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* * * * * * * * * *

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

* * * * * * * * * *

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

* * * * * * * * * *

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.

* * * * * * * * * *

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* * * * * * * * * *

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge – Now, Up Yours."

More whitty bumper sticker stuff:

Everyone has a photographic memory....some just don't have any film.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys.. just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to act like one.

Some people just don't know how to drive...

I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

Two blondes were reading their daily newspapers and
One of them sees a headline that says:

"TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED"

She thinks for a minute, and then whispers to her
friend, "Psssst.....how many is a brazilian"?

Dorothy and Edna
Dorothy and Edna two "senior widows", are talking at the local coffee shop.

Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Lol these jokes amaze me every time!, keep em coming.

THE TALL TALE TRIO
 
Three soldiers are sitting around a campfire, out on
the lonesome sand dunes in Iraq, each armed with the
bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
 
The guys from Texas says, "We must be the strongest,
meanest, toughest Marines there are. Why, just the other
day, a wild pig got loose in the barn.
It had wounded six men before I wrestled it to the
ground by the head with my bare hands and castrated
that sucker with my teeth."
 
The guy from Colorado couldn't stand to be bested.
"That's nothing, I was walking down the trail
yesterday and a fifteen foot tall Alligator slid out
from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that
son of a gun with my bare hands, bit it's head off and I'm
still here today."
 
The USN Seabee from Oklahoma remained silent, nodding his head
In agreement slowly stirring the hot coals of the fire with his pecker.

NO OFFENCE BUT THAT WAS NOT THAT FUNNY

LEAVING WORK EARLY...
 
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.  Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.  One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.  After all, she never called or came back to work,  so how would she know they went home early?

 

The brunette was thrilled to be home early.   She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
 
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
 
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.  Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!   Gently she closed the door and crept out of  her house.
 
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
 
"No way," the blonde exclaimed.  "I almost got caught yesterday."

__________________________________________________

Article on Retirement
 
It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Clarence. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Marie.    When I took "early retirement," it became necessary for Marie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
 
I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.  I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to
bed.

I really think my experience as a manager helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do.  I like to think that is one of my strong points.
 
Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.  This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.
 
Another symptom of her aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.  I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene.
 
I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
 
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Marie.  I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.   However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.   

Signed,
Clarence
 
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Clarence passed away suddenly October 26th. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his posterior, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Marie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it, and died! ]* *

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. After the game, he asked how she liked it.

"I really liked it," she replied, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, Hellooo? It's only 25 cents!"

Thanksgiving Joke:

A lady at the grocery store was picking through the frozen turkeys, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're all dead."

Doctor Joke:

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Hmmm," the younger! Doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
 Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.

"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and  see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

Laura told me this one and I found it to be true so I thought I would share it

Men Are Just Happier People—What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay. 
Wrinkles add character. 
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. 
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. 
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more  than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 
You only have to shave your face and neck. 
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. 
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache…. and you can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Proof that the world is Nuts from Don Ostergard

1)    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.  (Like THAT makes sense)...Perverts either way!

2)   In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.  (Do they look different reversed?)

3)    Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?? Don’t let that baby stand up.)

4)   The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.  (Much worse than "going blind eh!")

5)    There are men in Guam whose full-time job it is to travel the countryside  to deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.  Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.  (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

6)   In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (Ah! Sweet Justice!)

7)   Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
 (But of course!)

8)    In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her  mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

 9)    In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.  (I assume it was a big enough problem they had to pass this law?)

10)   In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Well, . . not as great as Guam!)

11)   Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.  (Who volunteers for this stuff anyway? Must be a kit car builder)

12)   Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

13)    The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of what?) (Did the government pay for this research too?)

14)   Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah Jeeze!)

 15)   An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.  (I know some people like that.)

 16)   Starfish don't have brains.  (I know some people like that, too.)

  17)   And, the best for last: Turtles can breathe through their butts. (And YOU thought YOU had bad breath in the morning!)

TEXAS STYLE,......Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in,   Fairlie, Texas.
 
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
 
Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think? Y'all have a  good day. You hear!
 

A father and son were watching a football game when out of the blue the father asked,
 "son, everytime I yelled at you or gave you a spanking as a child you would go hide in the bathroom for an hour. It would always be clean as a whistle afterwards too. Why??"

Without even looking up from the game on TV the boy replyed "To get back at you, Dad."

The father was confused and asked, "By cleaning the bathroom top to bottom, and even the hard to reach places like under the toilet seat??"

The boy replied, "No. By using your toothbrush for the hard to reach places!!"

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."
 
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
 
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
 
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
 
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!
 

LOL! My face is hurting from that one!

Keep em comming!

Dave

I thought you would get a kick out of this.......
 
HER DIARY:
 
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore! He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

I Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95. Can't putt for crap, lost $900 in bets.
 
The good new for the day is I got laid.

A police officer pulled Newman over for speeding in his now famous FunnyWheels replica of a 355 Ferrari and they had the following exchange:
________________________________________

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

DN: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

DN: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

DN: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

DN: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

DN: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

DN: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

DN: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card, It’s a Ferrari Kit Car.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

DN: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

DN: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

DN: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

BRAIN CRAMPS
 
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````
 
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
 
Mariah Carey

`````````````````````````````````````````````````
 
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````
 
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"     

--Winston Bennett,  University of Kentucky basketball forward.


`````````````````````````````````````````````````

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.


`````````````````````````````````````````````````
 
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of  subpoenaed documents.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````
 
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Philly’s manager, Danny Ozark

`````````````````````````````````````````````````
 
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
 
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, Vice President

`````````````````````````````````````````````````
 
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

--Dan Quayle

`````````````````````````````````````````````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

 --Lee Iacocca

`````````````````````````````````````````````````

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." –

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````
 
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````
 
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Bill Clinton, President

`````````````````````````````````````````````````



 
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

````````````````````````````````````````````````` 
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

`````````````````````````````````````````````````
Feeling smarter yet?

Copy it and send it on to your brilliant friends.

I just did!!!  FunnyWheels

What trunk ??? ;)

Sounds more like a Kerry statement, really.

It really does.  I think they are both wasted sperm but that is another story.

Subject: Thanksgiving and Christmas
 
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who
have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards"
over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel
safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap
in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a
wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
"Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because
I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by
UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count
I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my
prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once
I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for
me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case
of diarrhea will land on your Kit Car at 5:00 PM (CDT) this
afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's 
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.......

God Bless and have a Merry Christmas !!!!!!!!

Beatings aren't funny. Stabbings aren't funny. Mimes aren't funny.

But beating and stabbing a mime - why is that hilarious?

Dave Attell (comedian)

 The key to a happy marriage

(My wife sent this to me!)

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept
no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box
in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to??open
or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the
box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the?doctor said she
would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe
box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he
should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two?crocheted
dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the
contents.

When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the?secret
of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I?ever got
angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll".

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times
in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this
money?  Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls.

A Woman's Little Prayer:

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death!

lol i like that!! ;D

Subject: Redneck from Lance (GT40 Racer)?


We've enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the Core Beliefs of a culture that Values Home, Family, Country and God.  If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so Rednecks to back me up.  Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what Rednecks are made of.  I hope I am one of those. BUT it is time to change from REDNECK humor to:
TRUE AMERICAN Humor?  Only I don't see it as Humor, but the CORRECT way to LIVE YOUR LIFE ! If you feel the same, pass this on to your True American  friends!  Ya'll know who ya' are... 
 
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.     

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough TRUE AMERICAN  in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.

God Bless the USA!

Git 'er done!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE YEAR 1905

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! 
 
The year is 1905. The time when every car was a “Kit Car”

One hundred years ago.

What a difference a century makes!

Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1905 : 

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

In the whole country, there were less than 4% of all of the buildings that exist today - this includes homes, businesses and service buildings.

Only 8% of the homes had a telephone and only 4% had indoor bathrooms.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California .    With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!   

The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.

Gasoline was burned off as byproduct waste in the process of making heating fuel oil.

The average U.S. worker made between  $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,

a dentist $2,500 per year,

a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and

a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home .

Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had no college education.

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.   

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death in the U.S.  were:
       
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. (those were the good old days)

Back then pharmacist said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."   

Eighteen percent of households in the U.S.  had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

WOW! What a change in the past 100 years!

An oldie but a goodie!


 
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
 
TO: All Employees
 
DATE: November 4th
 
RE: Christmas Party
 
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private
function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty
of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please
feel free to sing along.
 
And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up
dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
 
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone's pockets.
 
This gathering is only for employees! The Managing
Director will make a special announcement at the party. Merry Christmas
to you and your family.
 
Pauline
 
 
________________________________________________________________________
 
 FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
 
TO: All Employees
 
DATE: November 5th
 
RE: Holiday Party
 
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
year. From now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There
will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other
types of music for your enjoyment.
 
Happy now?
 
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
 
Pauline.
 
________________________________________________________________________

 

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
 
TO: All Employees
 
DATE: November 6th
 
RE: Holiday Party
 
Regarding the note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign
your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign
on a table that reads "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
 
Forget about the gift exchange. No gift exchange
allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money
and Management believes $10.00 is a little cheap.
 
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
 
Pauline.
 
 
________________________________________________________________________
 
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
 
TO: All Employees
 
DATE: November 7th
 
RE: Holiday Party
 
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that
December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does
not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House
can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else
package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag.
Will that work?
 
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers
to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restroom, gays are allowed to sit with each other,
lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own
table.
 
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's
table too.
 
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no
cross dressing allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat
food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt
used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure
taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for
diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
 
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?
 
Pauline.
 
 
________________________________________________________________________
 
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
 
TO: All F********** Employees
 
DATE: November 8th
 
RE: The F********* Holiday Party
 
Vegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people!!! We're
going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not.
So, you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death"
as you so quaintly put it.
 
You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too!! They scream when
you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'M HEARING THEM SCREAM RIGHT
NOW!!
 
Hope you all have a rotten holiday. Go F***** drink,
drive and die!!
 
The B****** from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

________________________________________________________________________

 
FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
 
TO: All Employees
 
DATE: November 9th
 
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
 
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis
a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
 
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and, instead, give everyone the afternoon of December 23rd
off with full pay.

*warning---if you are drinking coffee, swallow it now*


CLASS PROJECT GONE WRONG

An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take home to their parents.

They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants.

The students were given green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns which they painted with glaze.

The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.

It was great fun!

They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely, but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home.

The cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home instead.

The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time!

This one will need you to think about the punch line.




A man submitted his ten best puns in an attempt to win a pun contest.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Several of our friends joined us for dinner.

Once everyone was seated at the table, the mother turned to her young daughter and asked, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing today?"

The little girl replied, "I wouldn't know what to say."

Her mother comforted her by saying, "Just say what you hear Mommy say, Sweetie."

The girl took a deep breath, bowed her head and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, please tell me: Why did I invite all these people to dinner?"

How Strong is Chuck Norris you may ask??

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

This is what will happen when the Pittsburgh Steelers dont win the superbowl this year....

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame   Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your restored Fiero

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,   smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wright 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think your kit car looks better than it actually does.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Father Brian O'Rourke 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause singing.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants
us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. It also helps pass kidney stones.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza, they are both round though."
~ Dave Barry 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.   

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." 

 WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
 

 

1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.

2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.

3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.

5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE Spot.

6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.

7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.

11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.

12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE
CHEESE.

13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.

14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.

16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.

18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!

19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!

21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.

22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.

23 . OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?

24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY
OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.

26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.

27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.

29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?

30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?

31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.

32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.

34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.

35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?

36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT
HAPPENED.

37. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR
BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

A woman's switch panel...

Argument chart...

math equation...

MSDS sheet for women...

Women's shopping path...

Those are all 100% true and Great Bob. Nice post!

From my cousin Ruth in Pittsburgh, PA.

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
 
 
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
 
 
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
 
 
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
 
 
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
 
 
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
 
 
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".
 
 
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".
 
 
8. Don't use any punctuation.
 
 
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
 
 
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.
 
 
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
 
 
12. Sing along at the opera.
 
 
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.
 
 
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
 
 
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
 
 
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
 
 
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
 
 
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
 
 
19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
 
 
20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . . e-mail this to someone to make them smile and laugh. Its called therapy.

MEDICARE RECOMMENDATION
 
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
 
"Mrs. Ward, please."
 
"Speaking."
 
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
 
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
 
 "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
 
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
 
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
 
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
 
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Memories From Cousin Ruth

A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street,
A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone, And no
need for recording things, someone was always home.

We only had a living room where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set, and channels maybe two, But
always there was one of them with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked
to cook, And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book.

Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play,
We all did things together -- even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips depending on the weather,
No one stayed at home because we liked to be together.

Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare to watching movies in your car.

Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball -- and no game video.

Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend?

The way that he took care of you or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you

Remember going to the store and shopping casually, And
when you went to pay for it you used your own money?

Nothing that you had to swipe or punch in some amount,
Remember when the cashier person had to really count?

The milkman used to go from door to door, and it was just
a few cents more than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters came right to your door,
without a lot of junk mail ads sent out by every store.

The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it was sent;
There were not loads of mail addressed to "present occupant."

There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take,
and you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile;
they were streamlined, white walls, fins, and really had some style.

One time the music that you played whenever you would jive,
was from a vinyl, big-holed record called a forty-five.

The record player had a post to keep them all in line,
and then the records would drop down and play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,
and always we were striving, trying for a better way.

Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun,
how can you explain a game, just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes,
and for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways,
I love the new technology but I sure miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.

sometimes a name change would have been a good idea...

Take me to those cleaners!! :o

major dilema for college kids in california

how do I get there from here??

one stop shopping for a shotgun wedding

A good deal at the time but think of the college costs!!

McLogic gone wrong??

Pork the one you love, now that just seems obvious!! ;)

Still dead huh? Maybe we should give it another day and see if they come-to :D

What?? Maybe DJ Golden can help us with this one :-X

 " Mass suicides...Cows going over the edge...tonight on Channel 3 News..." That was a south park episode

Great job. That just screams "employee of the month"

 Load 'em up with burritos, Mom!! 

I'm confused??

How the heck can I write if I'm ILLITERATE!!!

 I can't even comment on this one, I guess this is the only time littering is funny

Beautiful, lush lawns of dirt.

Speling iz knot imprtunt fir astranawts (look at the text at the top of the picture to understand)

Make up your mind!! ???

Don't drink and make signs...

Nice post's Bob..


Its sad what tax dollars are going to.. ???

Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
>"Yes. What can I do for you?"
>"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in
>his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
>"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
>
>The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house.
>They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split
>every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
>They sneer at Virgil and leave.
>
>The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did
>the Sheriff come?"
>"Yeah!"
>"Did they split yer farwood?"
>"Yep!"
>"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
>
>(Who says rednecks aren't real bright?!)

Steelers fan
 
A Steelers fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Browns fan he
saw strutting down the street in the obnoxious orange, brown and white colors. 
 
He would swerve his van as if to hit them, and swerve back just missing them.
One day, while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good 
deed, and he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going Father?" 
 
"I'm going to give mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road," 
replied the priest. "Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the 
passenger seat, and they continued down the road.   
 
Suddenly, the driver saw a Browns fan walking down the road, and he instinctively 
swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. 
 
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud "THUD." 
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't 
see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, 
"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Browns fan."   
 
"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."   
 
 
HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO!!!!!!!!!

Now thats a good joke!

    Its really like that too, :D I have friends in PA.. Isn't it Bob!  "Superstang460"

I'm a Bills fan myself. I live in Erie about 1 1/2 hours north of Pittsburgh, PA, 1 1/2 hours east of Cleveland, OH, and about an hour west of Buffalo, NY. I live in a very mixed crowd of football fans.

Even tho i'm over on the west coast, I have some friends in the south western part of PA. Very Major fans in those area's all over in fact .. ;) Its funny to here the joke... I can picture it happening. People over there eat, breath and dream football. We don't have a football team so I build cars   ;D

Twas the Night before Detroit

 'Twas the night before Detroit, when all through the town,

> Steeler's fans were ready for the Hawks to go down;

> The flags and banners were all hung with care,

> All Over Detroit, with the Steelers there;

> The players were nestled all snug in their beds,

> While visions of Super Bowl danced in their heads;

> With Cowher in charge, I had a night cap,

> And settled down for one more night's nap;

> When up at Motor City there arose such a clatter,

> Seahawks fans wondered just what was the matter;

> For at the stadium there was a great flash,

> Someone had entered with no ticket, no cash;

> The moon on the breast of the ice and the snow,

> Gave the luster of mid-day to the man standing below;

> When what to their wondering eyes should appear,

> Who this man was, it became quite clear;

> The smoke from his cigar made the air gloomy,

> But they knew in a moment that it was Art Rooney;

> He held the team roster, the plan of attack,

> Big Ben to Hines Ward or the Bus in the back;

> He saw in the defense a curtain of steel,

> If they can't sack Hasselbeck then nobody will;

> Troy will cover the field, he'll be everywhere,

> I'm telling you 'Hawks, you better beware;

> His long locks of hair will flow in the breeze,

> He'll catch Matt's passes with the greatest of ease;

> Mr. Rooney walked the sideline; he paced to and fro,

> He wore white and gold from his head to his toe;

> A terrible towel he held oh so tight,

> As he looked to the heavens on that cold Detroit night;

> Then the words that he spoke left all feeling quite numb,

> Lord get us Home to Pittsburgh and my one for the thumb!!!
 
 
Joyce McMillen
Grade 7 Social Studies
Ingomar Middle School

ITALIAN MOTHER

Mrs. Botchagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony
for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate,
Maria.

During the course of the meal, Mama can't help but
notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. She had
long been suspicious of the relationship between the
two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there was
more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the
eye.

Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been
unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't
suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be
sure."

So he sends his Mom an email:

Dearest Mama,
I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from
my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take
it, I'm just saying that it has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony receives an email
response from his Mama:

Figlio mio,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and
I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But
the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own
bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama

MORAL: Never lie to your Mother

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
 
15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
 
14. "Take your hands off the car, & I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
 
13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
 
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
 
11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
 
10. "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention I am the shift supervisor?"
 
9. "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
 
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
 
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey doo."
 
6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
 
5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
 
4. "Just how big were those two beers?"
 
3. "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
 
2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
 
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
 
 
1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ...You're right, we don't. ... Sign here."

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your Starbucks.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, copy this and paste it into your email so you can forward this to your family and friends. You know you want to!

Happy Building! Time to watch the 500 at Daytona.  I hope JR. or Tony wins today.

 


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
 
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
 
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
 
When she is about to hand him another batch again; The bus driver asks the little old lady,
 
"Why don't you eat the peanuts yourselves?".
 
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
 
"Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
         
It pays to be careful around old people.
   
 

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

 At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

My blonde wife loves this one! Ya, right.  My eye will be better in a few days.

 
 
THE BLONDE AND THE LORD
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject And,
finally getting all the necessary tools together,
she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos of Cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens The voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the Ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and asked,
"IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

She must be a Flames fan;)

An elderly couple was attending church service, about half way through she leans over and whispers to her husband, " I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?


He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" &
"My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart ass student
turned in the following book report, with the
proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave Him an A+ for this report:


Titanic: $29.99

Clinton: $29.99


Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

Clinton: Over 3 hours to read


Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden
love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden
love, and subsequent catastrophe.


Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton: Bill is a bullsh*t artist.


Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton: Ditto for Bill.


Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton: Ditto for Monica.


Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton: Let's not go there.


Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.


Titanic: Rose re members Jack for the rest of her
life.

Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.


Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.


Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same
thing.

Now I like that one!

Keep em comming!

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"


The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."


The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did."


His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.


"How many sales did you make today?"


The young man replied without hesitating, "One."


The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"


The kid said, "$101,237.64."


The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"


the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."





Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy

a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"


"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,

'Well, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

Another Twist on the Story!

A young guy from Texas moves to Florida and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

The kid said, "First I sold him a small Ferrari emblem. Then I sold him a Fiero. Then I sold him a Buick 3800 V-6. Then I sold him an AD Body Kit. Then I asked him where he was going to build his car and he said down the coast in Tampa, so I told him he was gonna need a truck and trailer, so we went down to the used car department and found a trailer, Then he said he didn’t think his PT Cruiser would pull it, so we went over to the used trucks department and I sold him that old 85 dually with the 350 in it."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy Ferrari coffee cup and you sold him a Fiero, an Air Dynamics Body Kit, engine, Ferrari parts, a trailer and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,

'Well, your weekends shot, you might as well build a kit car.'"

---Due to the climate  of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans  and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."  You must now refer to us as  APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ....

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT  WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a  "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or  a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She  is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a  "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not  "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not  an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK"  or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have  "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG"  you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" -  She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE  HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT  HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT  MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He  has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD  DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE  TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not  "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE  ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He  does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He  has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is  "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY  FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants -  It's "REAR CLEAVAGE

Do you think an elevator smells differently to a midget?

 :D nice  :D

[/b]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigar smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigar smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Don't you just love little old ladies????
 
worms!"

 a drunk driver is pulled over and asked for all IDs, OK said the cop, looks like you are new around here, so I'll give you few questions and if you can answer corectly I'll let you go . OK said the driver ,shoot

 on country road there are two lights approaching ,what is it??
 hey, its a car!!!
 yeah but what kind? is it Ford,Chev or BMW??
 hmmm,
 OK, one more! same road ,one light is approaching ,what is it???
 HE HE, it's a motorcycle !!!
 yeah ,but what kind of?? is it Harley, Yamaha or Kawasaki??

the driver said OK ,I'll give you one and if you can't answer you'll let me go, all right??
OK said the police man.
 
 downtown, there is this lady in miniskirt and highheels prancing back and forth,Who is it??

HA HA easy one,That is a prostitute!!!
 the driver said Yeah  but is it your mother,your wife or your daughter???

 

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.

Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice"

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, Anytime, just "Pick a night."
 
 
 
 

 
Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.And it was a good animal.And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him "DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other.

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult.

However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.

However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal .

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my  way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, anymore either......

Blonde Cowboy

 The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.  As he is locking  him up, he  asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

 The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her.

 So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did.

 Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town, cowboy.."

 "And here I am."

       

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in 
church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the 
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the 
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.  You
 know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he
fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to 
make him come."

Al Gore, Bill & Hillary Clinton go to Heaven   God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
 
   Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."
   God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."
 
   God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
 
   Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges
   are held against me."    God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit  at my right."   
 

   God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
 
   Hillary says, "I believe you're in my chair."

Please God Don't let this happen!

"Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers"

  This one is for all of you who:
  a) have kids
  b) had kids
  c) was a kid
  d) know a kid!

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a  wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point, she said, "Daddy look at this," and she stuck out two of her fingers.
 
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
"Daddy"s gonna eat your fingers" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her  fingers with a devastated look on her face.I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

       

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.   At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"asks one of the men.   "Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."   The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.   The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't
buy any ticket at all..!!!   "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.  Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet,and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.   Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says,  "Ticket, please."

Amy, a blonde Texan girl from the city, marries a Texas rancher.
 
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
 
So the rancher leaves for the pasture.
 
After awhile the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows, and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.....right here."
 
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
 
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.
 
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
 
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says:"I guess it's to hang your pants on..."

Tips, Etiquette and Hints from my wife’s favorite web site.  Being a creative guy I have applied some male modifications to the Tips, Etiquette and Hints

1.  Budweiser beer conditions the hair, (I personally have never tried this since it is sinful to waste beer for such nonsense.)

2.  Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish, (if you’re one of those kit car guys who used nail polish for touch up paint like I do).

3.  Cool whip (My wife tells me) will condition your hair in 15 minutes, (I personally can think of a lot of other uses of that do not involve hair.  But that’s another story).

4.  Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair. )If you happen to have a girl friend or wife with lice you have an entire other set of problems that we need to discuss that might involve Ivory Soap etc.)

5.  Elmer's  Glue  - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and  blackheads if any.  (I like to use mine with gold metal flake in it so I don’t look stupid to the other guys at the cigar shop in Tampa).

6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea, (especially if you have a lot of hair to experiment with.  But why not drink the darn stuff…I hate Lipton Heads)!!

7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water, (I guess so, what if I like to shower?  My wife will get upset to have a big tea stain in our tub. Another problem).

8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste.  (If you don’t have teeth to brush, use this stuff on aluminum to shine it up too.  Careful not to get it into your burn.  Don’t want to get it infected or anything like that)!

9. Burn your tongue?  Put sugar on it! (I say wait until that taco cools off big guy and watch out for that double mocha).

10. Arthritis?  WD-40  Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too. (Any good kit car builder knows WD-40 works for just about anything.  I don’t know about that insect thing. I see something big flying toward me and I am out of there)!

11 Bee stings - meat tenderizer, (Yea, Right! Have you ever been in a bees nest?)

12. Chigger bite - Preparation H (another use for WD-40)

13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H (you have got to be kidding me on this one, excuse me dear, may I use your preparation H for my puffy eyes, By The Way, what is this brown stuff on the end of the tube!)

14. Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals.
(Those little paper cuts are rough eh! What about a grinder digging into your hand? How about uses for PVC glue to get out fiberglass strands)

15. Stinky feet – Hints from Magazines say Jell-O, (I think WD-40 or maybe a bath every now and then)

16. Athletes feet – cornstarch, (again WD-40)

17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub, (another WD-40 use)
(a side note here; be careful not to confuse the KY Jelly with Vicks Vapor Rub, it just ain’t pretty)

18.  Kool Aid  to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet. (Wow, and we drink this stuff).  But who ever cleans a toilet any way?

19.  Kool Aid  can be used as a dye in paint also Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it! (But just keep them away from your primered kit car body.  You think AutoMX has bumps on his paint job…)

20.  Peanut butter  - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper.  (Seems like a good waste of peanut butter.  Just lick the stuff off and wipe it on you t-shirt.  Why ruin a good coffee filter.)

21. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray. (you still ride a bicycle)?

22.  Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage (Yea right, for your wife when she visits you in the garage as you build your dream car only to get back the Pam to make your dinner).

23.  Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls. (Why do you have dolls in the first place?  You may have other issues you need to discuss)

24. When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corn starch and watch them slide on.  (But please, don’t tell anyone you know any of us).

25. Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar! (No one will get near you either, but your hair will look great, who thinks up this stuff anyway)?

26. Body paint – “Now we’re talking” Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the
Microwave, pour in to an empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice! (What’s a film container, we are digital now! And be careful about how long you heat up your Crisco)

27. Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the T-shirt and soak.( I would think our T-shirts are messy enough.  I have trouble finding on without weld splatter holes in them.)

28. Preserving a newspaper clipping (how about a kit car article) - large bottle of club soda and cup of milk of magnesia (it is in the top shelf of the garage next to the paint cans),  soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years! (Assuming you don’t kill yourself building the car.)

29. A Slinky will hold toast and CD's! (The toast will have a little metallic taste and the CD’s will skip from the scratches on them, but you will look so neat to your mother!)

30. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste. (It scratches the hell out of goggles so you can’t see through them, but they don’t fog.)

31. Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt. (we told you it wasn’t a good idea to use white leather)

32. To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel. (why do you have hot wax in the garage anyway)?

33. Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with Peanut butter. (why not use that preparation H, you can have your misses wash the glasses in the dishwasher, I’m not touching them, it’s her Preparation H in the first place)

34. Baked on food - fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener and  the static from the Bounce  towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent  tablets, soak overnight! (these people have never dropped a ham sandwich on an exhaust or muffler before, have they)

: 35. Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and brush! (Sounds like Don has been drawing on the garage walls again)

: 36. Dirty grout – Listerine (another WD-40 moment.  I hope you can get it out of the kitchen floor before your wife notices the grease stain)

: 37. Stains on clothes – Colgate (these people have never laid up fiberglass either)

: 38. Grass stains - Karo Syrup (I just hate to get up from the yard after having a few cold ones on a hot summers day, then pouring pancake syrup all over my dirty fiberglass encrusted burnt up welding jeans to get grass stains out of them don’t you)

 39. Grease Stains - Coca Cola, it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. (We know it will take corrosion from car batteries)!

40. Fleas in your carpet?  20 Mule Team Borax - sprinkle and let stand for 24 hours. (Maybe this will work if you get them back again.)

41. To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox, or 2 Bayer aspirin, or just use 7-up instead of water. (these are for your anniversary to your significant other so she will not be upset with you incase you’re working on you car during the anniversary night)

42. When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so! you "squeeze" for freshness or softness? Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week?

Monday, Tuesday, Thursday,  Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist tie.

They are:  Monday  =  Blue,  Tuesday  = Green,  Thursday = Red, Friday = White, and  Saturday = Yellow  So if today was Thursday, you would want red twist tie; not white which is  Fridays (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color  Blue-  Green  - Red  - White  -  Yellow  , Monday through Saturday. Very easy to remember. I thought this was interesting.

I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn something new everyday! Enjoy fresh bread when you use your bread to buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping. (And here, all this time, I thought the best bread was on sale on the day old cart)

Some unimportant stuff to think about. On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be

 

01:02:03 04/05/06.

     That won't ever happen again in our lifetimes.

     You may now return to your (normal?) lives.

 

I was a very happy person.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless with sheer, almost see through material outlining her beautiful up turned breasts most of the time.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and for some reason she always made sure I got more than a pleasant view of her long legs among other things.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to her house and check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word, my lips went dry, my head spinning.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her slowly go up the stairs. He beautiful long legs and the sunlight shining through the window outlining her slender body through her clothing, her blonde hair flowing across her back.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, looking at the panties laying on the floor at my feet, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car as fast as I could go.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test...we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is:
 
Always keep your condoms in your kit car...

old joke. but still funny.


its hard to tell your friends that joke though. it needs to be written.

One of the greatest sermons a Priest ever maid;

Subject: JOHN KERRY

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., Senator John Kerry's campaign manager visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kerry a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No, I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Kerry's views."

Kerry's manager then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Kerry as a saint"

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." 

As Kerry's manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated himself  prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was present. Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Senator Kerry's presence is probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite person.  Some of his views are contrary to those of the church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other views. John Kerry is a petty, self absorbed

hypocrite and a nit-wit. John Kerry is a liar, a cheat, and a thief. John Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally witnessed.  He turned on his buddies in Viet Nam. He wrote a book and portrayed

himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow servicemen. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in for a medal.  He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here, in Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simply isn't to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with, "But, when compared to Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint."

Just thinking about football today.


A Michigan family of football supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping.

While in the sports shop the son picks up an Ohio State jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become an Ohio State Buckeye fan and I would like this for Christmas".

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to mother".

Off goes the little lad with the Ohio State jersey in hand and finds his mother.

"Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Buckeye fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"

Off he goes with the Ohio State Jersey in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Ohio State fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been an Ohio State Buckeye fan for an hour and I already hate you Michigan bastards."

Always tell the truth in court

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother, to the stand. 

He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." 

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,

"Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" 

She again replied, "Why yes I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors’ to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said,

"Neither of you b@stards better ask her if she knows me."

I thought I would share some Kit Car humor with my friends…..

We have a number of new faces in the GROUP and on the Kit Car List who have not been properly instructed on how to conduct themselves on-line. So listen up guys. Here are the rules for using The List.

#1. THE TRUTH AND ONLY THE TRUTH. This noble band of brothers will not tolerate falsehood, obfuscation, exaggeration or strange build stories. Violations of this rule will be dealt with harshly.

#2. BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR CRITICISM. Think before you utter harsh words about another Kit Car Member. Some general guidelines:

 #2-A - Don't criticize New Members or People from the South. They are very sensitive souls and a careless remark can set back their counseling for months.

#2-B - Don't criticize Canadian's, Aussies or Britt's. They tend to be heavily armed and can be very cranky even during periods of sobriety.

#2-C - It's OK to criticize members from California but try to use big words of two or more syllables so they won't understand.

#2-D - Be careful about criticizing former builders. We will find them all eventually and they will have their memories of you to tell.

#2-E - All builders were wise, noble and fearless leaders at one point in their lives. (This rule dos not apply to staff pukes.)

#2-F - Don't criticize our Mexican allies. They are now in position to screw up your government benefits, pension account and your kid's parole application.

#3. NO ATTACHMENTS. Never, ever attach a photograph or document to your e-mail. It will cause some funny characters to appear on our screens and a solar flare to erupt in Ari’s rectum. Violation of this rule will result in your being suspended from The List until you mail Ari an abject apology and enclose three tubes of Preparation H (lemon scented).

#4 TAKE IT EASY WITH THE REPLY BUTTON. It takes 20 minutes to download an e-mail after you have replied to the reply ten times. Get you grand kids to show you how to originate your own message to The List.

#5. NO POLITICS. The List is strictly nonpolitical. If you have any comments to make about ass-hole traitors named Clinton, Fonda, Kennedy, Kerry, etc. send them back channel. Adoring comments about our current Commander In Chief should be kept to one paragraph.

#6. NO COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR HEALTH. Don't even mention your STD's, Agent Orange tremors or jungle rot. It will only stimulate three dozen members to engage in an organ recital that will tie up the server for days.

#7. BUILDING CLAIMS. See rule #5 above.

 
#8. NO TALK ABOUT HORSEPOWER. Omit any discussion about how to apply massive horsepower on stock Fiero engines or any NorthStar V8 created by the Franklin Mint that we can’t afford to put into a cheep kit car in the first place. We are all due a Medal of Honor (Navy Cross for enlisted) for building these cars but it isn’t coming. Strive for the respect of your fellow Kit Caries and screw the colored ribbon.

#9. NO TALK ABOUT PERSONAL INDISCRETIONS. Remember, we were all sober and chaste in our garages and at kit car shows. (Wives and grand kids have a way of finding our e-mails.)

#10. EX-WIVES. Don't bore us with tales of ex-wives unless you have had more than five or have had one exceeding 15 hat size points on the Boone and Crockett Coon skin hat scale. This group long ago adopted a catch and release policy.

#11. DON'T PULL RANK. You don't have any. Except for "Admiral Ari" we are now all the same rank - Kit Carie’s. And that's all you need. The Kit Car Site will forever acknowledge that you put your young and old body on the line when your fellow builders needed you. And it will forever elevate you above your peers who choked when duty called. Drive you cars with pride until we are all reunited on patrol at the next Daytona, Knots or Carlisle show.

Welcome home Bro.

 

A sick classic... I don't know how many of you remember Roy Rogers.  When I was a kid, he was the Saturday afternoon show to watch, an American Hero.
 
Roy Rogers and Trigger wended their way home after a most satisfying day at work tending the boundary fences on Roy's large spread. About a mile from the homestead Roy noticed a trail of dust rising from the trail that led from home to the main gate.

As he approached, he saw that it was a large squad of cavalry soldiers led by Major Ted. As he came up to the column of troops Major Ted called, "Whoa!" and addressed the famous cowboy.

"Good evening, Mr. Rogers," he said.

"Good evening, Major," replied Roy Rogers.

"Are you' heading home, Sir?" asked the Major.

"I am indeed, yes sir; I'm looking forward to a real meal.'"

"Just before you go, Mr. Rogers, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you."

"Like what, Major?"

"Well, sir, the Indians have been on the rampage over at your homestead."

"My God! I'd better get over there right away!"

"Just a minute Roy, there's more. There's not much left of your house I'm afraid"

"That's terrible, I've got to get home to my family"

"Hold on Roy, there's more. I'm afraid they scalped your five children and appear to have raped the girls beforehand." "Those savages!! I've got to get home to my wife, she must be beside herself with grief!"

"Wait Roy, I'm sorry but there's more. They also raped your wife and mother before killing them. All the cattle are gone and they put an arrow through your dog Bullet. Most of the village is burned to the ground and they put poison in your water supply."

"Oh my God! This is the worst day of my life! But still, I'd better get over there and see if there's anything at all I can do"

"Hold on, Roy - there's just one more thing . . ."

"Yes Major?"

"Before you go. How's about a little cowboy song for the boys?"

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees the doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever; the second is a Veteran in the VA

Sad but True

Subject: 40 & over

Another Goody for the old timers

My Mother used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and she just wiped it off or ran it under the water, no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning. My Mother used to defrost hamburger on the counter all day long and I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. I wonder if they put something in our meat these days to make us sick?  I can remember that our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting ecoli. I do remember I always got left over roast beef form Sunday dinner for the first three days then peanut butter and jelly for Thursday and Friday. I did get money to purchase milk at the school.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then. What about rocks and yucky stuff on the lake bottom?

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system. I think I liked it much better then.

We all took gym, not PE. and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Keds or Converse shoes (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym. I wonder if they still climb up the rope or do push ups?

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. No hot girl would want to hang out with a looser in detention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. Do you think the kids feel good today because they can’t spell or read well.  Oh ut the feel good about it though.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. Oh yeah.. and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed! We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat. We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there or then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house? Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T- SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING

Pass this to someone (over age 40, of course), and brighten their day by helping them to remember that life's most simple pleasures are very often the best. I'd say Amen, but that wouldn't be politically correct.

A police officer pulled Newman over for speeding and they had the following exchange:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

DN: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

DN: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

DN: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

DN: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

DN: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

DN: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

DN: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

DN: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

DN: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

DN: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

There is a little bit of Jesus in all of us:

Cajuns have 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Cajun:
1. He liked to serve fish to His friends
2. He could make His own wine
3. And He wasn't afraid of water

Blacks have 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

Jews have 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until He was 33.
3. He was sure His Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure He was God.

Italians cite 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil.
 
Californians have 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

The Irish give 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But women have the most compelling evidence of all that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

At last.... A bumper sticker for both parties.


FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper
sticker.  The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:
 

"2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN"
 

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
 

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

Three kit car men were taking a break from building their cars and went
hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed,
"God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able
to swim across in about 5 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please
give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and
he was able to row across in about 2 hours after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,
"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked
one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

GO AHEAD!   COPY AND SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH!

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled
as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of

nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over

to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed

she was looking at two spiders mating.

 

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're

mating," her father replied.

 

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one

is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

 

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent

question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

 

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment,

then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not

having any of that Brokeback Mountain stuff in our garden."

Good thread...lol.  I needed that:)

Just a couple of thoughts about emails I have received in the past.
 
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers and my wife has me on a diet.

After working on FunnyWheels on a hot Tampa day. I no longer feel I can use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo that has been smoking cigars.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so
a serial killer won't crawl in my passenger seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I wonder about the tin foil I sometimes use on my head?

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.  Same applies to gasoline pump handles. By the way, what’s a pay phone anyway? I always have my Blackberry along.

I no longer go to shopping malls because some good looking babe will drug me with a perfume sample and take me home then rob me. Mmmmm, have to think about that one again.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda bombs in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the home phone land line because someone from a nearby prison will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe. I think Starbucks has better cookies anyway.

Thanks to your emails, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my hairy butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. We are car guys and already know how to fix everything except the stuff on our wives honey do list.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg or worse if I bend over in front of him.

Oh and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my kit car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! Those bad oil companies making all that profit!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's bodyman...

Have a wonderful day....  And, keep all those wonderful email gems coming my way.  I am learning so much.......

The Drug Problem in America

   The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''

I replied: "I had a drug problem when I was young":

I was drug to church on Sunday morning.

I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.

I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.

I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

 I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word.

I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.
                       
I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

   Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.
~author unknown~

 

Those Born 1930 - 1970!

TO ALL THE KIDSWHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because .

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were backwhen the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's,no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,

made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and kno cked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them . .CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,"Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us....go ahead and delete this.
For the rest of us.....copy it, then pass this on.

 LOL..

  Lead paint tastes sooooo good...And whiskey helps pregnant women sleep better ;D
Ahhh..The good old days...

When I was little we had a panel van with lawn chairs in the back for us kids to sit in...

 Its amazing how science and worried mothers have changed the way we live..

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon.

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.

The Italian, nodding agreement, and says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion... With a flourish of finality he says!

"We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, that is true, but... it was the Italians who introduced it between men and women."

When Life begins   


* Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else is starting to wear out, fall out, or spread out just like the Fiero parts in your garage.   


* There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.   


* You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.   


* Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun is a lot more work.   


* Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Now isn't that a great time for a guy to get those kind of odds?   


* You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.   


* Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.   


* By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.   


* Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.   


* A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.   


* You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.   


* You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.   


* You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before!   


* The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.   


* It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.   


* When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.   


* You find yourself in the middle of the garage, and you can't remember if you were tearing apart your kit car or finishing it.   

 Marathon Runner

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was  at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she  replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least 
of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and  jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual 
marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of  runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so  wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly . "That way I  can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go  home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining."

I  FIRED MY SECRETARY...
 
LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING.
 
I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.
 
AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."
 
I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.
 
MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.
 
AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
   
IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.
 
I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."
 
I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"
 
WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO.
 
WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"
 
I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"
 
SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."
 
AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
 
"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.
 
SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".
 
AND I JUST SAT THERE... ON THE COUCH... NAKED.

"This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida."
 
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to  use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.  She tried and tried, then she realized why, ... it was for the same reason she had wondered why there
was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat.
 
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the  police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the  counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
 
No charges were filed.
 
Moral of the story?! If you're going to have a Senior Moment, ..  make it memorable
 

 

A Texas Rancher and his wife were arguing while touring through Paris.

They were barely speaking to each other by the time they were seated

in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

When the waiter arrived, the rancher said, "I'll have a Big, Thick

Porterhouse Steak." The waiter replied, "Monsieur, what about ze mad cow?"

He replied, "She'll have a Salad."

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her.
She goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.?"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"?The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.?"Yes, I do," she replies.?"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"?"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.?The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’"
?"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
?He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."



Black Ops 8)

Something to ponder for these troubled times from Ed Trizzino:

AMAZING Equation
 
 
 From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:

What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been in situations where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 101%? What equals 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these

Questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

AND, look how far the love of God will take you

L- O- V- E-O-F-G-O-D

12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

Please send this to your friends and pray for him/her who sent to you. You will be blessed.

drives his BMW into a petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump
attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf and completely
unaware of Tiger's identity, greets him in a typical Irish manner.
Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger, who is familiar with Irish custom, responds with, "And the rest
of the day to you!" He gives a quick nod and bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As he does, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

Members Favorite Things


A Kit Cars Forum member saw the sign at the restaurant.
It read
 " Happy hour special:  Lobster Tail & Beer."
 
   "Ah ,"  he says to himself , "My 3 favourite things! "

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
 
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.

 "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

 "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I switched the heads."

 

English Lesson

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually after inhaling bondo and paint fumes over the years while building his kit car. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.  That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back ! at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,

"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!"

Here's a short one:

Why does it cost more to get divorced than to get married?
Because it's worth it.

Subject: A Chance Meeting
 
A man boarded an airplane  and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most  beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realized she was  heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have
it, she took the seat  right beside his.
 
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business  trip or pleasure?"
 
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the  Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
 
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting  next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling  to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
 
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."
 
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
 
"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American  men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the  Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.  Another
popular  myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is
the men of  Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that
the lover with  absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
 
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.  "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name."
 
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 From my wife.
 
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond Cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in  the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go  out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ...so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy"

"And here I am."

Son of a Gun!! My wife says Blond men do exist!!

A SPANISH Teacher
was explaining to her class
that in Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either
masculine or feminine.

"House"
for instance,
is feminine:
"la casa."

"Pencil,"
however,
is masculine:
"el lapiz."

A student asked,
"What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer,
the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female,
and asked them to decide
for themselves whether
"computer"
should be
a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked
to give four reasons
for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that
"computer"
should definitely be
of the feminine gender
("la computadora"),
because:
1. No one but their creator
understands their internal logic;

2. The native language
they use to communicate
with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes
are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make
a commitment to one,
you find yourself spending
half your paycheck
on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group,
however, concluded
that computers should be Masculine
("el computador"),
because:
1. In order to do anything
with them,
you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data
but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed
to help you solve problems,
but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one,
you realize that if you
had waited a little longer,
you could have gotten
a better model.

The women won.

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL

Mark: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI..

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (MARK) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed major gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

******************************************** *********

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
 
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I passed gas and I'm worried it will eat through the chair No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my back side with a snow cone.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing its too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

Warning: Spelling errors in this message are the product of a poor school system.
Pay teachers more than athletes.

Heres another one, a little corny but will make you smile.   
 
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
Veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned
both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the
lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the
store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the
register the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your
arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it
under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't
shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm
using it on my schnauzer.  The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Green Persimmons
 
         There was a church  down in Texas that had a very big-busted
        organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while
        she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation
        considerably.
 
        The very proper church ladies  were appalled. They said something had to
        be done  about this or they would have to get another organist.
 
        One of the ladies approached her  very discreetly and told her to mash
        up some green  persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they
        would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the  green
        persimmons, because they are so sour and astrigent, they well make her
        mouth pucker up and she  won't be able to talk property for a while.
 
        She agreed to try it.
 
        The following Sunday  morning, the minister got up on the pulpit and
        said,  "Dew to thircumstanthis bewond my contwol we will not haf a
        thermon  tewday."

O'Brian staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
old pal, Murphy.

  He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife. He tiptoed quietly
toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the
bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung
around and   he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back
pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

   Managing not to yell, O'Brian sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding.  He managed to quietly find a full box of band-aids and began
putting a band-aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid
the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

   In the morning, O'Brian woke up with searing pain in his head and butt   
and his wife staring at him from across the room.She said, "You were drunk
again last night weren't you?".

    O'Brian said, "Why are you sayin' a mean thing like that?".

   "Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood   
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....
it's all those band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.

CANADIAN TIRE SCAM

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Canadian Tire customers. Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping. Simply going out to get hardware supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the car. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Canadian Tire store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets

A man owned a small ranch in New Mexico. The New Mexico Wage & Hour
Dept claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent
out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"   
demanded the agent.

   "Well" replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has  been
here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and  board.

Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, and I buy him
a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

   "That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit," says the agent.
 
 

   "That would be me," replied the rancher

"Monkey in a Bar"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.  The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of
the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."  He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.  He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds
a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now? he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN AND A MAN

  HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day!  Oh, and....woo woo!!!

Collision Course

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland…

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is the lighthouse. Your call.

I Am Canadian, eh!

So, what do Canadians have to be proud of, eh?

1. Smarties

2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp

3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down

4. Baseball is Canadian

5. Lacrosse is Canadian

6. Hockey is Canadian

7. Basketball is Canadian

8. Apple pie is Canadian

9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers

10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts

11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back... past their 'White House'. Then we burned it... and most of Washington, under the command of George Cockburn who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied... Go figure…

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone. Anywhere. EVER.

14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over an hour.

15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught.

16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.

17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.

19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

20. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

21. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

22. A Canadian invented Superman.

23. We have coloured money.

24. Our beer advertisements kick.

BUT MOST IMPORTANT!

25. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!

26. And we don't bomb our allies.

27. oh yeah... our elections only take one day.

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the ladies of the night were standing under the awnings. "Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied. The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their ho's. They date men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" "They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: "If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!?"

a flying blonde...
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know!
Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

After Thanksgiving


I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.

I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!

I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!

The Blonde, The Rabbi and the KKK

 
A rabbi in the Deep South said to his congregation, "someone in this congregation has spread a false rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible falsehood, and one which this Jewish community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this congregation."

No one moved.

The rabbi continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from a third row seat. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The rabbi passed out, but the congregation roared.

What the Old Jewish Artifact REALLY Means

 
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left.... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman'

Subject: Then and Now

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.   Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal.  Sits still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to

school.

1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.

2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.  He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.  She faces 3 years in State Prison

O x y m o r o n s ...


1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11 Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? !

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas, what other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

You know you're really broke when...

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

Your bologna has no first name.

You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

Sally Struther's sends you food.

McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

At communion you go back for seconds.

You wash your toilet paper.

You have to save up to be poor.

You're in college.

On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.

You owe yourself money.

You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.

Your imaginary friend has more money than you.

Did you ever wonder what a husband does while he is in a store waiting on his wife to shop?

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us again, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months...all verified by our surveillance
cameras.

01. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

02. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

03. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

04. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, Code 3' in House wares!".....and watched what happened.

05. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

06. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

07. September 15: Set up a camping tent in the sporting goods department, and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the Bedding department.

08. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

09. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are located.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!, PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes
the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

 ...and; last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Compare 100 Years - Today vs. Year 1906

 
Some of you might remember this: THE YEAR 1906

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!

The year is 1906.

One hundred years ago.

What a difference a century makes!

Here are some statistics for the Year 1906:


The average life expectancy was 47 years.

Only 14 per cent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.


There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.


The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage was 22 cents per hour.

The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .

Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.


Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.


Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea
hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." ( Shocking? DUH! )

Eighteen percent of households had at least
one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. !

Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you and others all over the United States,& Canada possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

IT STAGGERS THE MIND, EH .?

Units            Language Level
1 Pint          No change to your English.
2 Pints         Your English goes up a level.
3 Pints         Your English goes up a level. (but your grammar disappears)
4 Pints         You become very fluent, but start mixing English with your own language.
5 Pints         You discover you can sing in English and are brilliant at karaoke.
6 Pints         You suddenly know lots of taboo words in English. (fortunately no-one else seems to understand them)
7 Pints         You can't speak English at all. (and also forget your own language)
Danger Zone
Over 7         You start speaking American English.

Hi Black Ops
Your new name nearly got me in trouble at work!  I did a Yahoo search for "kuma" and the first thing that came up was a black lesbian erotica link: www.kuma2.net !

Kuma is Japanese for BEAR!

LOL crap

Kissing Passionately
Undulating Hips
Mouthwatering
Aching Desire

But that is funny!

OK putting it back to Black Ops I think

Q: What is the Iraqi air force motto?
A: I came, I saw, Iran.

Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise program?
A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

Q: What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
A: Two days.

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their way.

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign ambassador.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: A-6 ... B-52 ... F-16 ... B-52

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their air force.

Dear Santa
____________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a
career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can
learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space
ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
____________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when you were conceived, right?
Santa
_________________________________________________________________

 
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you
up with a Barbie and a sweater vest. You like that, fruitcake?
Santa
_________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
scotch. Santa
________________________________________________________________


Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in
whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Moron.
_______________________________________________________________

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex because both of your parents are worthless
lazy sh*ts. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does,
through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams
________________________________________________________________

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting a sweater, . . . again. Santa
____________________________________________________________________

"the moral of the story"


A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again.
"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75. He pushes his luck.
"I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."

 
Moral of the Story :
Women are crazy!!!! 


Don't mess with them!! 

He laid her on the table,

So white clean and bare,

His forehead wet with beads of sweat,

He rubbed her here & there.

He touched her neck,

And then felt her breast,

Then drooling felt her thigh,

The slit was wet,

And all was set,

He gave a joyous cry,

The hole was wide,

He looked inside,

All was dark and Murky,

This is what Christmas is about................GO DOWN
 
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STUFFING THE CHRISTMAS TURKEY.

How the "Left" Stole Christmas

 
T'was the month before Christmas

When all through our land,

Not a Christian was praying

Nor taking a stand.


See the PC Police had taken away,

The reason for Christmas - no one could say.

The children were told by their schools not to sing,

About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.


It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say,

December 25th is just a "Holiday."

Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit

Pushing folks down just to get it!


CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod.

Something was changing, something quite odd!

Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa...

In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.


As Targets and Wal-Mart were hanging their trees upside down,

At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found,

At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears -

You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.


Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty,

Are words that were used to intimidate me.

Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen

On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!


At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter

To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.

And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith

Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace

The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded

The reason for the season, stopped before it started.

So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"

Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me. ~ ~ ~

Choose your words carefully, choose what you say...

Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS to all, not Happy Holiday!

If You Love Someone . . .

Shakespeare:
if you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, here's the poison, suicide
yourself for her.


Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
Don't worry, she will come back.


Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, ask her why.


Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget
her.


Patient:
IF you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until
she comes back.


Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
*If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat*


C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;


Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the
Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that....


Bill Gates:
If you love someone,Set her free,
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for
re-installation fees but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.


Biologist:
If you love someone,
Set her free, She'll evolve.


Statisticians:
If you love someone, Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming
back is high If she doesn't, the Weibull
distribution and your relation was improbable anyway.


Salesman:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, deal!
If she doesn't, so what! "NEXT".


Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!


Insurance agent:
If you love someone,
Show her the plan ....
If she ever comes back, sign her up,
If she doesn't, keep follow up with her and never give up!


Physician:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, it's the law of gravity,
If she doesn't, either there's friction higher than the force or the angle
of collision between two objects did not synchronize at the right angle.


Mathematician:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!),
If she doesn't, Y = 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c
is the infinite constant of no turning point.


Nowadays' style:
If You Love Someone,
Set it free,
If It Comes Back, It is Yours
If It Doesn't, Hunt it Down and Kill It...!!! OR
PERHAPS REPORT TO IMMIGRATION THAT SHE/HE IS AN ILLEGAL


If you love someone
WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE SET HER FREE???
CARELESS IDIOT!!!

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and current medical report from your doctor. Please be prepared to submit additional information (like psychological profile and polygraph test) as required.


-------------------------------------------------------



Name:___________________________

Date of Birth:______________________

Height:____________ Weight:____________

I.Q.___________ GPA:_________

Social Security Number:___________________

Driver's License #:____________

Boy Scout Rank:___________________________________________________

Home Address:____________________________

City:____________________

State:____________________________

Zip Code:_______________________

How far can you run: 40 yards?_______________

2 miles?___________________

Do you own a (A)Van?____ (B)Truck with oversized tires?_____ (C)Waterbed?_____

Do you have an earing, nose ring or belly button ring?__________ Tatoo?_________

NOTE: If you answered YES to any part of questions #8, discontinue the application process and leave the premises!

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?__________________________
_________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?__
_________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?__________________
_________________________________________________________________

Church you Attend:___________________

How often do you attend?____________

When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and minister?_________

Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely. All answers are confidential.
(That means I won't tell anyone, ever)

If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is the__________.

If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is___________________________.

A Women's place is in the _________________________.

The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________.

In the unfortunate event of my untimely death, I would like______________to be contacted.

My greatest fear is__________________________________________.

When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her___________________.

NOTE: If the answer to the last question begins with a "B", discontinue the application process and leave the premises.

Keep your head low; running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What do you want to be "IF" you grow up?____________________________

Have you ever been fingerprinted?______

Had a DNA sample taken and recorded?_________

Your dentist is__________________

Emergency phone #_________________________


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT, UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE AND/OR HOT POKERS.


Signature________________________



Thank you for your interest. Please allow 5-7 years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.

Please do not try to call or write.
(It could cause disqualification and injury to your body.)

Ummmmm what can I say???



No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you—or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown—if they're nude.

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. The beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds.

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude, nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer.

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job—for men only—called a corset inspector.)

In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Comer, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while frolicking behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, the couple can face a jail term.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio—the thinking is that a man might see the reflection of something he shouldn't.

Maryland prohibits the selling of condoms through vending machines in gas stations and stores—with one major exception. Prophylactics may be dispensed by a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

In Texas, no one other than a "registered pharmacist" may sell condoms or other kinds of contraceptives "on the streets or other public places." No, not even physicians. Anyone who tries to make a few extra bucks doing this will be severely prosecuted for the dire act of "unlawfully practicing medicine."

Kentucky and Idaho limit condom sales to medical practitioners and licensed pharmacists, but their license to sell the items may not be hung on a wall where it can be seen by customers.

Maine licenses condom sellers and the license must always be on public display.

Nevada, with 35 legal bordellos, has no condom problem. The use of condoms in Nevada brothels is compulsory.

Both Indiana and Ohio have laws that prohibit male skating instructors from having sexual relations with their female students. This misdeed, called "the seduction of female students," is prosecuted as a felony. This statute applies only to male teachers. It seems female skating instructors may have sex with male students.

Subject: Little Alex

One Sunday morning, the minister noticed little Alex standing in
the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was
covered with names with small American flags mounted on either
side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for
some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy,
and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning sir," he replied , still focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" he asked the minister.

The minister said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young
men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood
together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with
fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE 
ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 
1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped
in to save him.

She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to his room.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she
now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The
good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so
rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of
another patient, you displayed sound min dedness. The bad news is that
Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself.  I put him there to dry.

"How soon can I go home?"

Onions & Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter, not to be outdone by her little brother, said "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

What's in a name

I attended a party this past weekend.

After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an
attractive woman (standing alone) across the room.  When I approached and
asked her name, She coyly replied... "Carmen."

Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with
"That's a beautiful name, Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things
I like  most in the world - cars and men."

Then she asked, "What's your name?"

"Golftits,"  I replied.

Holiday cheer


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on.
It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins....

not really a joke,but made me laugh
http://www.autotrader.co.uk/EDITORIAL/car_page_content/33401.html

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse,
I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.  On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury,  and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Meg, called out to me from the kitchen. "Dave Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam.   "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.  Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. Then it struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.   The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not  many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen  floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.   

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!"

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant,
obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish
Manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick
"hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two
Tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose? Asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident
report, which was printed in the newsletter of the American Insurance
Journal. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a

Darwin Award for sure...

Dear Sir

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block
3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my
accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
details will be sufficient.

I was alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my
work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later,
were found be slightly more than 500 lb...

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in barrel
by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the
sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form, that I weigh 135 lb..

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed
in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed down slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers on my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to
hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal
of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approxima 50
lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations
of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed
to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks
and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,
in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind
and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel beginning
its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your questions.

Guts and Balls

This clears it all up.
 
We've all heard about people having guts or balls.  But do you really know the difference between them?  In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below....
 
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys.  Being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:  "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
 
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say:  "You're next."
 
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.  Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
 While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
 Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
 "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
 He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
 Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
 Pillsbury, isn't it?



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
 A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
 The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
 He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
 She directs him down the correct aisle.
 A few minutes later! , he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
 of string on the counter.
 She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
 for your wife?
 He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
 store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came! back with a tin
 of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
 cheaper.
 So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........ so does she.
 (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)



 WIFE VS. HUSBAND
 A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
 An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
 neither of them wanted to concede their position.
 As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
 the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
 "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



 WORDS
 A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
 day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
 The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
 everything to men...
 The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



 CREATION
 A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
 so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
 "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
 God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
 God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



 The Silent Treatment
 A man and his wife were having some problems at home
 and were giving each other the silent treatment.
 Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
 wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
 Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
 on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she 
 would find it.
 The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
 he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
 hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
 The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
 Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

The Silent Treatment II

Two guys from Benson County are quietly sitting in a boat at Devils Lake, North Dakota fishing and sucking down beer when suddenly Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."  ;)

Quiz - Truly Amazing

Perhaps you've seen this before ... it was new to me, and I was truly amazed by the answers...

To start, just click on the word QUIZ below ...

Click here: http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html (http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html)

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN


1) NUDITY - I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."


3) KETCHUP - A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."


4) MORE NUDITY - A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"


5) POLICE # 1 - While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"


6) POLICE # 2 - It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"


7) ELDERLY - While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"


8) DRESS-UP - A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "


9) DEATH - While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."


10) SCHOOL - A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"


11) BIBLE - A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want
to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had
the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood,
you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name!  The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not
disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.  Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...  you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!  I'm telling you, you
will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it!  I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left
the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....  The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside
the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.  The agent is a we-struck,
who would possibly send him $50,000?  He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, 

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with
my God-given birth name, I refused. 

You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van
Lesbian.  After I left your office, I thought about what you said.  I decided
you were right.  I had to change my name.  I had too much pride to return to
your office, so I signed with another agent.  I would never have made it
without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.


Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely, 
Dick van Dyke 

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe
you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your
penis."

The other one replies,
"It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO A VERY HOT PLACE!!!!

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two s's, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.'' 

A Tribute to Jeff Foxworthy

You're a redneck if...

You think Sherlock Holmes is a
housing project down in Biloxi. 

You think a stock tip is
advice on worming' your hogs. 

You've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws. 

You think TACO BELL is
the Mexican Phone Company 

Your State's got a new law that says when a couple
get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.

Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD"
sign on the back. 

You got stopped by a state trooper.
He asked you if you had an I.D.
And you said, 'Bout What?' 

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. 

Your sister is the third generation
of women in your family to conceive
a baby as a result of an alien abduction. 

If you can burp
and say your name at the same time,
you're shur'nuff a redneck. 

You think Possum is
"The Other White Meat" 

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World. 

You hooked up with your present girlfriend
as a result of a message on the wall of
the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop. 

The centerpiece on your dining room table
is an original signed work
by a famous taxidermist. 

You think a quarter horse is
a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels. 

Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed. 

You think safe sex is a padded headboard. 

You think subdivision is part of a math problem. 

You think there's nothin wrong with incest
as long as you keep it in the family. 

You may be a Redneck if ...
You and your dog use the same tree. 

You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida. 

You think the last words to
The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines." 

Your father executes the "pull my finger"
trick during Christmas dinner. 

You believe dual air bags refer
to your wife and mother-in-law. 

You've got more than
one brother named 'Darryl'. 

You think the OJ Trial was a
Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. 

You were acquitted for murdering
your first wife after she threw
out your Elvis 8-tracks. 

You think watching professional
wrestling is foreplay.

Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow.
But she can't touch it until she's fourteen. 

Your front porch collapses
and four dogs git killed. 

The people on Jerry Springer's show
remind you of your neighbors
 
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

You've ever had to scratch your sisters
name out of a message that begins,
"For a good time time call..." 

You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took 

Your whole family is Democrats
except little Mary.
She lernt to readin'. 

You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button. 

You have a bumper sticker that says,
"MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT
AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH." 

You take a six-pack cooler to church. 

Your family tree has no forks.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. 

You had to remove a toothpick
for your wedding pictures. 

You use a weedeater in your living room.

You consider your license plate personalized because
your dad made it in prison. 

You have a rag for a gas cap.

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down
depending on how much gas it has in it. 

The third grade teacher says little Bubba
could be a mathematical genius
because he's got thirteen fingers.

Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.

You have to go outside to get
something out of the 'fridge. 

A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. 

One of your kids was born on a pool table. 

You have spray painted your
girlfriend's name on an overpass. 

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you
show them your belt buckle. 

Your dad walks you to school because
you are both in the same grade.

Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards. 

Down where you come from reruns of
Hee Haw are called documentaries.

Your house doesn't have curtains,
but your truck does.

You need one more hole punched in your card
to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 

You have flowers planted in a
bathroom fixture in your front yard.

On your first date you had to ask your
Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. 

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance
were just "misunderstood".

If you refer to the fifth grade
as, "your senior year". 

Three quarters of the clothes you
own have LOGOS on them.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife. 

Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. 

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. 

You just bought an 8-track
player to put in your truck.

You've ever climbed a water tower
with a bucket of paint
to defend your sister's honor. 

It's easier to spray weed killer
on your lawn than mow it.

You think the three primary colors are
John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray. 

Your pickup has a two-tone paint job
-- primer red and primer gray.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart
'cause there is a law against it. 

You've been on TV more than 5 times
describing the sound of a tornado.

The beer can collection in the
town museum is the big tourist attraction. 

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow. 

You can tell your age by the
number of rings in the bathtub.

You may be a redneck if you ever
used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You can change the oil in your truck
without ducking your head. 

During your senior year you and
your mother had homeroom together.

You're a lite beer drinker 'cause you start drinkin beer when it gets light. 

You think the stock market
has fence around it. 

Your stereo speakers used to belong
to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your entire family has ever sat around
waiting for a call from the Governor
to spare a loved one. 

Your wife has ever said,
"Come move this transmission
so I can take a bath."

You think loading the dishwasher
means getting your wife drunk.

YOU REFER TO THE TIME YOU WON
A FREE CASE OF MOTOR OIL AS
"THE DAY MY SHIP CAME IN." 

The FBI surrounded your trailer park
twice so far this year.

You use a NASCAR credit card. 

Your brother-in-law is your uncle
AND your grandfather.

you might be a redneck if....
Your parents met at a family reunion. 

You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies
are two of the major food groups. 

You stare at an orange juice container
because it says, "CONCENTRATE".

YOUR IDEA OF HIGH-QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT
IS A SIX-PACK AND A BUG-ZAPPER. 

You wonder how service stations
keep their restrooms so clean. 

Anyone in your family died right
after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!". 

You couldn't learn to swim because
your gene pool is too small. 

Your wife's job requires her
to wear an orange vest.

You have the local taxidermist's
number on speed dial.

On Thanksgiving Day you have
to decide which pet to eat. 

Your school fight song is"Dueling Banjos".

You think "taking out the trash"
means taking your in-laws to a movie. 

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You got Clapper devices controlling
the appliances in your house. 

You think a hot tub is
a stolen bathroom fixture.

The gas pedal on your car
is shaped like a bare foot.

They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools

You hammer bottle caps into the
frame of your front door to make it look nice.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice. 

The taillight covers of your car
are made of red tape.

You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape. 

You've ever been involved in a
custody fight over a hunting dog.

The KKK kicked you out for being a bigot. 

You think a turtleneck is
a key ingredient for soup.

You think the French
Riviera is a foreign car.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You no longer drink wine ever since
the screw cap got caught up your nose.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader. 

That billboard that says,
"SAY NO TO CRACK"
reminds you to pull up your jeans. 

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined
by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion
looking for a date. 

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. 

Your high school basketball game got rained out. 

You've got more than three cousins
named 'Bubba'.

You have a close relative named "Cletus". 

You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest. 

You wish your outhouse was as nice
as those at the state park. 

Last year you hid yer kids'
Easter eggs under cow pies. 

Your family always goes to the movies in groups of 18 or
more 'cause they were told 17 and under are not admitted. 

Jack Daniels makes your list
of "Most Admired People" 

Your dog can't watch you eat
without getting sick.

You think the winter olympic sport of curling
is part of the "Big Hair" competition. 

When you was little, your front yard got toilet papered
and your momma thought it was a gift from God. 

You've painted a car with house paint.

You're banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturb the monkeys. 

You ever named a child after a dog.

You have more belt-buckles than pants.

You removed the back seat from your
car so all yer kids could fit in. 

You think taking a bubble bath starts
with eating beans for dinner.

Your child's first words were
"Attention K-Mart shoppers!" 

YOU'VE EVER COME HOME
AND FOUND CRIME SCENE TAPE
ACROSS YOUR FRONT PORCH. 

You think a woman who is
"out of your league"
bowls on a different night.