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ampretty001
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« Reply #390 on: September 25, 2009, 12:07:58 AM » |
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You must have a book full of jokes..That's humor  |
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sirblack
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« Reply #391 on: September 25, 2009, 02:16:02 AM » |
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muhahahhah Mr. Donovan's was very funny  well i have one too but i will try to translate it from Greek to English It was a Monday morning and the teacher told to students to fix some sentences which will kontain the frase "mother it's only one'' (which in Greece means that our mother is only one) so Sonia wrote I love my mother because mother it's only one! Alex wrote I gave a present to my mother,cause mother it's only one and Bob wrote My mother was playing poker with her friend and she told me to catch a beer from the fridge... i went to the fridge,i opened it and i saw that it was only one beer,so i yell her that ''Mother it's only one!'' i hope you understand it :$ heehe |
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Mad Mechanics - Custom and Kit Cars Forum
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« Reply #391 on: September 25, 2009, 02:16:02 AM » |
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jntramey
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« Reply #392 on: September 25, 2009, 06:11:07 AM » |
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Recession = your friends lose their jobs. Depression = you lose your job. Recovery = Obama loses his job! |
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jntramey
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« Reply #393 on: October 04, 2009, 01:20:05 PM » |
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With all the hoopla over the Mayan calendar ending in 2012, and the recent movie about 2012, I was thinking, wouldn't it be funny if....Years from now in 2012 at the exact time the Mayan calendar expires, the sun rises to a specified degree casting a shadow on the calender at just the right angle, and there emerging on the face of the stone, slowly coming into view with the rising sun and elongating shadows, a clearly visible text never before seen created on the face of the stone by the shadows. As the experts hurry to translate the text, the mood among them is electrified! all these frantic people working at a feverish pace when all of a sudden one of them shouts "I HAVE IT!" A nervous hush settles over the crowd as the expert makes his way to the front of the gaggle of anxious men and panicked ladies. He clears his throat and begins.... Ahem! The text reads...."when the end of days has come....flip over the stone and make a new calendar on the back. Please be kind to the Earth and recycle."  Get real people! We don't print calendars 100 years in advance today and they're just on paper! The Mayan stone cutter's boss probably told him "that's far enough into the future, remember, we still have to deliver this giant thing to the palace and Xerchio called in sick today and my back hurts." |
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MacGyver
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« Reply #394 on: December 31, 2009, 08:08:43 AM » |
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SLOW DAY IN TEXAS
It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....
On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night…
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything, and the money did not belong to them in the first place.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism…
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.
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496fe
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« Reply #395 on: December 31, 2009, 09:33:11 AM » |
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And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.
Except in real life the hooker wouldn't pay the hotel back. She would buy $100.00 worth of cocaine and some poppy gangster in Afghanistan would end up with the money and the hotel clerk gets fired and now can't pay his own debts. Now everybody is more depressed because the hooker is high and their friend the hotelier is out of a job. The poppy gangster in Afghanistan then gives the money to the Taliban, who buy more explosives from the French, and blow up a $125,000 Hum-V. That's how to turn a borrowed hundred dollar bill into a $125,000 debt and increase unemployment all at the same time. THAT'S how the government is run. Happy New Year |
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jntramey
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« Reply #396 on: December 31, 2009, 11:37:32 AM » |
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MacGyver had it right, except...
The hundred dollar bill never existed, it was a deposit/hold on the credit card of the rich traveler.
The Hotel owner then wrote a check from ONE of his bank accounts (representing fiat currency, money from thin air with no value other than by decree) off the newly deposited "money" in his account from the credit card, used it as described, everyone got "paid" by check (let's assume the hooker did NOT pay her bill, but DID buy more crack as 496fe suggested, because her life sucks and although she is working as hard as she can, and getting screwed by everyone, can never seem to get ahead. Her actions fund terrorism eventually.) The Rich traveler who, incidentally represents the financiers of the world (IMF, World Bank, Rothschild, Rockefeller, Morgan, etc.) did not check out all the rooms, but instead walked straight into one room, used the toilet in the room, had sex with a prostitute in the bed, took a shower, and soiled the towels, and then went back to the Hotel clerk (the clerk represents the Government) and had him refund the deposit on the card. The card was actually a debit card to his bank account that contained REAL assets (Gold, Silver, Oil, etc.) The Government eagerly fulfills the Financiers request, as the customer is always right, and we want them to do "business" with us again. The Clerk is okay with this because he has already "used" the "money" for what he wanted, he now has no debt, yet is still owed money from the hooker. The Government, who is being screwed by the financiers, screws everybody it has business dealings with, who then screw each other, until someone finally screws the hooker (me and you.) Then the Government screws the hooker too, after all, the hooker is still "indebted" to the hotel as she never paid her bill. The checks the hotel clerk wrote will eventually bounce, UNLESS the hotel clerk writes even more checks from one of it's OTHER accounts, and deposits them into the first account to "cover" the ones he already wrote (TA-DAH, the "just print more money" theory in action.) The hotel clerk just keeps "kiting" checks between the banks for larger and larger amounts as he continues to screw his associates, and the hooker. This goes on for years, until finally the rich traveler (who owns both of the banks the Government has been using to write checks) refuses to honor any more of the Government's checks, and they all start to bounce. The merchants go out of business because "the economy sucks" and they turn to the Government in their anger, who in turn blames it all on the hooker (homeowners) because she never "technically" paid her bill, although she has been getting screwed by everyone for years! THAT IS HOW IT REALLY WORKS.
The Banks (Evil super villains) take what they want and never really "pay" for anything.
The Government (Evil super villain henchmen) is the Bank whore.
The Government screws (shakes down) the merchants and pays with empty promises and worthless I.O.U.s
The Hooker gets screwed by everyone and is the Government scapegoat when it's plans fail, thus redirecting the anger of the merchants, while simultaneously using that as an excuse to stay in good with the banks.
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Guna
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« Reply #397 on: June 01, 2010, 12:05:21 AM » |
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(Edited: Removed inappropriate joke)
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« Last Edit: June 01, 2010, 05:35:13 AM by Admin »
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TSV
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Posts: 43
Build it correctly or do not build it at all!
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« Reply #398 on: June 13, 2010, 11:53:55 PM » |
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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a
frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all
eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.....
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TSV
Newbie
Offline
Posts: 43
Build it correctly or do not build it at all!
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« Reply #399 on: June 14, 2010, 12:26:03 AM » |
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Tale from a Married Women
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your *** Rear End, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.
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« Last Edit: June 19, 2010, 11:44:54 PM by Powerhouse »
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TSV
Newbie
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Posts: 43
Build it correctly or do not build it at all!
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« Reply #400 on: June 19, 2010, 10:34:14 PM » |
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A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem,
as he was unable to get his manhood erect.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the
base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there
was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental
treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment
consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through
life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance
that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and
try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took
her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he
felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being
extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his
knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll
and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face
said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'
With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if
another bread roll will fit up my arse.
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TSV
Newbie
Offline
Posts: 43
Build it correctly or do not build it at all!
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« Reply #401 on: June 19, 2010, 10:39:40 PM » |
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"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London , the Kings Head, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub Micks, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid. All on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
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MacGyver
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« Reply #402 on: June 20, 2010, 07:39:04 AM » |
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Short but funny! I don't care who you are
Wife asks husband,
"How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."
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TSV
Newbie
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Posts: 43
Build it correctly or do not build it at all!
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« Reply #403 on: June 21, 2010, 09:14:33 AM » |
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So! there they are! , the seven dwarfs in their little cottage eating their tea, when Bang !!
The gas main blows up !!
The whole cottage is reduced to rubble!
As the firemen crawl over the smoking ruins, a voice is heard.
"England will win the world cup ! England will win the world cup"
One fireman turns to his mate , " Well at leas...t we know Dopey is still alive "
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jntramey
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« Reply #404 on: July 01, 2010, 03:51:04 PM » |
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WALMART SENIOR GREETER
Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?"
''They said, 'Good morning, Admiral. Can I get you some coffee, sir?'''
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Mad Mechanics - Custom and Kit Cars Forum
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