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  • Jokes of the day

    This was based on a true story October 21st 2005 regarding a 94 old man in St. Petersburg, Florida who hit and killed a person walking across the street and drove 13 miles to the Skyway Bridge with a dead body sticking through his front windshield into the passenger compartment.  The toll booth operator held him for the police to arrive.

    Must be Florida--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass
    surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and
    diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
    engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
    subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
    hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 94
    Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

  • #2
    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
    doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
    I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I am 57 now so I have to be careful.
    I bent, twisted,gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
    But, by the time I got my work out clothes on, the class was over.

    Well time for a cigar and back to working on FunnyWheels III
    If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Clean Jokes of the day

      If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it, go to Starbucks.)

      If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

      The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
      (O.M.G.!)

      A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig, but not like the ones I have dated in my younger days)

      A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
      (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

      Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home. Maybe at work on your kit car.)

      The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

      The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)

      The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

      Some lions mate over 50 times a day.(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

      Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

      The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)

      Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
      (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

      Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....................)

      A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

      An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people on this forum like that.)

      Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

      Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

      Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
      If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Clean Jokes of the day

        Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

        "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.

        "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

        She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
        If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Clean Jokes of the day

          ;D
          Professional 3D, web, graphic, architectural, interior, and CAM design at affoardable prices.<br />Any questions: voicemail/fax (323)281-0583<br />sales @ rt-network.com

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Clean Jokes of the day

            Keep sending some more--- I LIKE EM!
            :) Potatoes....mmmmm.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Clean Jokes of the day

              A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

              She asks him why he is staring.

              He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

              She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

              "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

              1, you have to be single and

              2, you must be Catholic."

              The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

              "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

              But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

              "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

              "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

              The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween party."

              If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Clean Jokes of the day

                HAHAHAA !! OMG I love the ending on that.. can't get over it... haha, i got to tell my friends and gf.. brb.. haha
                :) Potatoes....mmmmm.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Clean Jokes of the day

                  Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up
                  with Father Rafferty. The Father said, "Top o' the morning' to ye! Aren't ye
                  Mrs Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"

                  She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be
                  there any wee ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet Father."

                  The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome Next week and I'll light a
                  candle for ye and yer husband."

                  Mrs. Donovan replied, "Oh, thank ye Father." They parted ways and some years later they met again.

                  The Father asked, "Well now Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She
                  replied, "Oh, very well Father."

                  The Father asked,"And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh
                  yes Father, three sets of twins and four singles, ten wee ones in all."

                  The Father said, "Glory be! That's wonderful! And how is yer loving
                  husband doing?"

                  Mrs. Donovan replied, "E's gone. I sent him to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.

                  If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Clean Jokes of the day

                    Wow were do you get these? they get better and better!
                    :) Potatoes....mmmmm.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Clean Jokes of the day

                      http://www.mrdudeman.com/media/ferrari_fire.wmv

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Clean Jokes of the day

                        An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher and attorney that she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

                        "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

                        "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week, she said."

                        If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Clean Jokes of the day

                          A limo driver, after getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

                          "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?

                          "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"

                          "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

                          "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

                          Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

                          The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it,

                          accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

                          "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

                          The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

                          "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

                          "So bust him," said the Chief.

                          "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

                          The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

                          Cop: "Bigger"

                          Chief: "Governor?"

                          Cop: "Bigger"

                          Chief: "Senator?"

                          Cop: "Bigger"

                          "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

                          Cop: "I think it's Jesus!"

                          Chief: "What makes you think it's Jesus?"

                          Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

                          If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Clean Jokes of the day

                            The Blonde Student

                            A girl came skipping home FROM elementary school one day. "Mommy, Mommy,"

                            she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only

                            count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

                            "Very good," said her mother.

                            "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

                            "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

                            The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.

                            "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet

                            today, and all the other kids could only say it to D,

                            but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!"

                            "Very good," said her mother.

                            "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

                            "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

                            The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.

                            "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today,

                            and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests,

                            but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

                            "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

                            "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

                            "No, Honey, it's because you're 25.

                            If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Clean Jokes of the day

                              HAHA wow ,i can;t stop coming here every 5 min to see what FunnyWheels puts up on here.. their so hilarious its not even fuunny ( but they are)
                              :) Potatoes....mmmmm.

                              Comment

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